My Sunshine

Everyone needs something or someone to bring some sunshine into their lives. Without it we would simply lose hope. My sunshine is a little 2'8" bundle of joy and wonder. My kaleb. He is hands down the most amazing person on this planet. He sees the world with the most interesting perspective, and it helps change my perspective. When it rains,he hold his hands out to catch it and giggles as it hits his hands and face(and toes if we decide to run around without shoes...) for him,its like a miracle when it rains. The snow is the same. Last year he was too little to enjoy it,but it snowed here reccently and he ran outside eld his arms out and spun around saying "wwwwooowww". I was so mad when it snowed,until he did that. To him,everything about nature and the world we live in is spectacular. His bedtime song is you are my sunshine,because he is just that for me. On my bad days(and lets face it,i have many) he snuggles with me and hugs my legs. And when i ask him if he wants another baby he says"yeahh" and then ill ask if he thinks he will be a good big brother and he says "uh..no.." and i explain that he will be because hes kind,and gentle,and smart,and a wonderful helper,and good at playing and sharing and i mean it all,and,the best part,he believes me. He isnt perfect, i have been drawn to tears when he wont eat for three days, and he scares me to death trying to jump off the back of the couch. He frustrates me when all he does is whine...but overall when i just dont want to face the world,he is my sunshine. Always willing to let me scoop him up and paint,or make a mess helping me cook. His giggle is like the sun itself,it always makes me happy without fail. When he was born,i knew he was special,but every parent thinks that. I just didnt know HOW important,amazing,and essential to my life he would be. He is my sunshine and he is my angel. I love him so much. Soooooo very truly much. Love you my bugaboo,baby k,squeakers,sweetie,goober,angel bud,snuggle bug,my darling kaleb.

Controversial Mints

There are mints called "Kiss with confidence" at my place of employment. They have various artistic works of kisses and passion on them,appropriate for the name no? Well the people of Utah county seem to find a particular one very Lewd,inappropriate,semi pornographic, and giggle like embarrassed children getting caught when they see it. I am going to show you the mint box now...ready? If you giggle like an idiot then don't finish reading this. Ok, really ready?

GASP! you still with me there? Ok so, I personally roll my eyes when the customers tell me it is lewd. Its a STATUE. yes.the people are naked and of opposite sex. i did a little research. the statue is called "The Kiss" by Auguste Rodin created in 1889. Rodin indicated that "sculpting women was of homage to them and their bodies, not just submitting to men but as full partners in ardor." (by the way ardor is just a fancy way of saying passion). Personally, i think that is very cool. Compared to all the other junk out there that paints women as objects and toys and dirty sex kittens....this is different. Yes, its passion, and probably a bit over the edge. BUT. it is ART not PORN. there is a very fine line, and sometimes that line is defined differently by different people. it can be hard to define i admit. But i don't think a marble statue is porn. And maybe it shouldn't be on a mint tin. and maybe people just need to grow up and realize that while most of the Utah county population is Mormon and that comes with certain beliefs...that does not mean that anything with nakedness is awful and abominable. That's just my opinion though.  Maybe I'm Lewd? i want to know what you think. and yes i  may judge you a little if this grosses you out :) but really, honestly i would like to know what  you all think!

5 years from now

Remember in elementary when they'd ask you to make a list or goal of things you like to be or have in 5 years or more? Well...I want to make one now that I'm an "adult" and have more realistic..not to mention expensive goals.
1. Have another baby..which is contingent upon numero 2 a bit. And I would like a girl. I already have a name picked out and everything.and yes. I am verrrry baby hungry...our budget is not.

2. Have a house! I keep saying I don't want another baby until we more than two rooms.And right now two rooms is all we have.this one seem pretty much impossible at this point. But I would loooove a house.

3. Get a 2nd car!! one with Four doors and a large trunk. love the yaris. its just really difficult to fit in with a baby...a second child would not work in that car. Im thinking i want an old 4-runner or nissan xterra. but chances are it will be a smaller four door car. which is ok too. 

4. Have a job that allows me to stay home. i hate working at night and leaving my family and missing bath time and family dinner....etc etc. 

5. Have a substantial college savings started for kaleb...theres a little bit...but not nearly enough.i know i have  lot of years, but it will just be easier to start now.
 

Chicken salad sandwich

I have decided that whoever came up with this sandwich was drunk.i mean..no one sits down and goes" hmmmm I think I'll make some chicken,and then slather it in mayo,and add...grapes! And and....celery!! Sounds like it would be delicious!" um no. That just sounds like the WEIRDEST combination of things ever..if you like it that's awesome, I believe you have a drunk someone to thank for this ridiculous combination. Blehhh.have not found one yet that I like. I'll eat it,but...not a fan.

New place!

We moved into an apartment,a basement apartment that is. A couple houses down from my parents,literally...it's two houses down.haha. But it's our own space. And I was feeling so excited to move in here. And now that we are here I find myself experiencing what I believe to be called buyers remorse. Overwhelmed with unpacking and small spaces,although it's bigger than our first apt...after living in a house with three floors,this is tiiiiiny. Anyone ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun? Good/odd movie. In it she says "buyers remorse is a very common affliction among new homeowners,Just because you have the sudden urge to weep,doesn't mean you've made a mistake." But that's about how I feel. I look around this new place that kaleb can't figure out why we are here instead of the only home he knows and all the boxes and mess and want to cry. I know eventually we'll get it clean,but it's just so disheartening at the moment. I'm sooo excited to have our own space once again,it will be awesome.It's the unpacking and money I'm stressed about.

I always take on things...

Before I think about it. For example: last night someone asked if I could take their shift tonight,and I said yes because I always say no to this girl and I was feeling bad. And then this morning I realized that I totally screwed myself over. Tonight is my little sisters bridal shower,and my husband has a meeting,so.no babysitter and I'm going to miss the bridal shower! I'm so beyond frustrated right now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I want a new job. Another car, and a mind that can remember things so I don't commit to things before I think about what's really going on. I ready to scream. I keep adding stresses to my life that I just don't,cant handle right now. And....then it makes the things I actually want to do stressful as well because I add all this crap I don't want or need. Stupid.stupid.stupid.

Anonymous

Sometimes i wish my blog was anonymous. And none of you knew who i was...I'd share so much more that way. My blog is very censored i think. So much more i would say if i was anonymous. So much i want to say because i need feedback, opinions. But since you know i am Rachel-Mother, wife...etc...I cant. I wont. I reuse to drag those I love into this downward spiral that i don't know what to do with. And no. I wont give more details on here. Probably not ever. Just know that....i don't know. I'll survive. I'll figure it out. Ambiguity drives me crazy, for that i apologize. But ambiguous i remain. I just need to scream at someone, move to china where no one knows who i am or what my life has become and vent to some random person who wouldn't judge anything i had to say. And yes, i know you all love me and say you wouldn't judge...but deep somewhere in there...you would. i absolutely know you would cause its my life, and I'm judging it like an outsider sometimes.