ummmm.............

So life has this funny way of turning around and biting you in the butt.Depression kinda runs in my genes, I've seen it first hand in my family. During High School I suggested to a few people that pills may be needed to help their depression, and they took my advice, and said it really helped. I told them that taking pills didnt make them any less of a person. that it was good etc etc. It's a lot easier to tell people that than it is to accept it myself.

I'm now very medicated, and I have a realllllly hard time dealing with that. Each morning I take Sertraline,Vitamin D3, Vitamin B complex, Super Kelp, and a Prenatal. And when I forget, I really feel it. I have no energy, a really bad temper, no patience, and everything PJ does drives me crazy, I'm an evil version of me. And I hate that I NEED to take pills to be normal me. I didnt used to be this way, I was totally and completely fine without medicine. And suddenly I'm not me. I keep complaining to PJ that he likes me better when I take my pills, one day he said "no YOU like you better when you take them" . Which is true, without them I feel, I know that I'm (theres really no other word for it...) a bitch. And it really bothers me that I'm medicated. It doesnt go away when I take the pills either, its always somewhere rolling around my thoughts. I'm broken. And I realize that so many other people have Post Partum Depression , and many other mental "illnesses" that they deal with everyday. And it makes me feel so stupid because I really am so lucky that there are pills to help me with this. But ......I dont feel lucky.

I need them to take care of Kaleb, to function. No sleep, breastfeeding, and the stress of being a mommy are the perfect combination to cause Post Partum. Its so stupid. I dont want this. I just want to be the crazy,colorful, abnormal, happy person I am. Without pills.

Time to take the happy pills.gag.