My Sunshine

Everyone needs something or someone to bring some sunshine into their lives. Without it we would simply lose hope. My sunshine is a little 2'8" bundle of joy and wonder. My kaleb. He is hands down the most amazing person on this planet. He sees the world with the most interesting perspective, and it helps change my perspective. When it rains,he hold his hands out to catch it and giggles as it hits his hands and face(and toes if we decide to run around without shoes...) for him,its like a miracle when it rains. The snow is the same. Last year he was too little to enjoy it,but it snowed here reccently and he ran outside eld his arms out and spun around saying "wwwwooowww". I was so mad when it snowed,until he did that. To him,everything about nature and the world we live in is spectacular. His bedtime song is you are my sunshine,because he is just that for me. On my bad days(and lets face it,i have many) he snuggles with me and hugs my legs. And when i ask him if he wants another baby he says"yeahh" and then ill ask if he thinks he will be a good big brother and he says "uh..no.." and i explain that he will be because hes kind,and gentle,and smart,and a wonderful helper,and good at playing and sharing and i mean it all,and,the best part,he believes me. He isnt perfect, i have been drawn to tears when he wont eat for three days, and he scares me to death trying to jump off the back of the couch. He frustrates me when all he does is whine...but overall when i just dont want to face the world,he is my sunshine. Always willing to let me scoop him up and paint,or make a mess helping me cook. His giggle is like the sun itself,it always makes me happy without fail. When he was born,i knew he was special,but every parent thinks that. I just didnt know HOW important,amazing,and essential to my life he would be. He is my sunshine and he is my angel. I love him so much. Soooooo very truly much. Love you my bugaboo,baby k,squeakers,sweetie,goober,angel bud,snuggle bug,my darling kaleb.

Controversial Mints

There are mints called "Kiss with confidence" at my place of employment. They have various artistic works of kisses and passion on them,appropriate for the name no? Well the people of Utah county seem to find a particular one very Lewd,inappropriate,semi pornographic, and giggle like embarrassed children getting caught when they see it. I am going to show you the mint box now...ready? If you giggle like an idiot then don't finish reading this. Ok, really ready?

GASP! you still with me there? Ok so, I personally roll my eyes when the customers tell me it is lewd. Its a STATUE. yes.the people are naked and of opposite sex. i did a little research. the statue is called "The Kiss" by Auguste Rodin created in 1889. Rodin indicated that "sculpting women was of homage to them and their bodies, not just submitting to men but as full partners in ardor." (by the way ardor is just a fancy way of saying passion). Personally, i think that is very cool. Compared to all the other junk out there that paints women as objects and toys and dirty sex kittens....this is different. Yes, its passion, and probably a bit over the edge. BUT. it is ART not PORN. there is a very fine line, and sometimes that line is defined differently by different people. it can be hard to define i admit. But i don't think a marble statue is porn. And maybe it shouldn't be on a mint tin. and maybe people just need to grow up and realize that while most of the Utah county population is Mormon and that comes with certain beliefs...that does not mean that anything with nakedness is awful and abominable. That's just my opinion though.  Maybe I'm Lewd? i want to know what you think. and yes i  may judge you a little if this grosses you out :) but really, honestly i would like to know what  you all think!

5 years from now

Remember in elementary when they'd ask you to make a list or goal of things you like to be or have in 5 years or more? Well...I want to make one now that I'm an "adult" and have more realistic..not to mention expensive goals.
1. Have another baby..which is contingent upon numero 2 a bit. And I would like a girl. I already have a name picked out and everything.and yes. I am verrrry baby hungry...our budget is not.

2. Have a house! I keep saying I don't want another baby until we more than two rooms.And right now two rooms is all we have.this one seem pretty much impossible at this point. But I would loooove a house.

3. Get a 2nd car!! one with Four doors and a large trunk. love the yaris. its just really difficult to fit in with a baby...a second child would not work in that car. Im thinking i want an old 4-runner or nissan xterra. but chances are it will be a smaller four door car. which is ok too. 

4. Have a job that allows me to stay home. i hate working at night and leaving my family and missing bath time and family dinner....etc etc. 

5. Have a substantial college savings started for kaleb...theres a little bit...but not nearly enough.i know i have  lot of years, but it will just be easier to start now.
 

Chicken salad sandwich

I have decided that whoever came up with this sandwich was drunk.i mean..no one sits down and goes" hmmmm I think I'll make some chicken,and then slather it in mayo,and add...grapes! And and....celery!! Sounds like it would be delicious!" um no. That just sounds like the WEIRDEST combination of things ever..if you like it that's awesome, I believe you have a drunk someone to thank for this ridiculous combination. Blehhh.have not found one yet that I like. I'll eat it,but...not a fan.

New place!

We moved into an apartment,a basement apartment that is. A couple houses down from my parents,literally...it's two houses down.haha. But it's our own space. And I was feeling so excited to move in here. And now that we are here I find myself experiencing what I believe to be called buyers remorse. Overwhelmed with unpacking and small spaces,although it's bigger than our first apt...after living in a house with three floors,this is tiiiiiny. Anyone ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun? Good/odd movie. In it she says "buyers remorse is a very common affliction among new homeowners,Just because you have the sudden urge to weep,doesn't mean you've made a mistake." But that's about how I feel. I look around this new place that kaleb can't figure out why we are here instead of the only home he knows and all the boxes and mess and want to cry. I know eventually we'll get it clean,but it's just so disheartening at the moment. I'm sooo excited to have our own space once again,it will be awesome.It's the unpacking and money I'm stressed about.

I always take on things...

Before I think about it. For example: last night someone asked if I could take their shift tonight,and I said yes because I always say no to this girl and I was feeling bad. And then this morning I realized that I totally screwed myself over. Tonight is my little sisters bridal shower,and my husband has a meeting,so.no babysitter and I'm going to miss the bridal shower! I'm so beyond frustrated right now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I want a new job. Another car, and a mind that can remember things so I don't commit to things before I think about what's really going on. I ready to scream. I keep adding stresses to my life that I just don't,cant handle right now. And....then it makes the things I actually want to do stressful as well because I add all this crap I don't want or need. Stupid.stupid.stupid.

Anonymous

Sometimes i wish my blog was anonymous. And none of you knew who i was...I'd share so much more that way. My blog is very censored i think. So much more i would say if i was anonymous. So much i want to say because i need feedback, opinions. But since you know i am Rachel-Mother, wife...etc...I cant. I wont. I reuse to drag those I love into this downward spiral that i don't know what to do with. And no. I wont give more details on here. Probably not ever. Just know that....i don't know. I'll survive. I'll figure it out. Ambiguity drives me crazy, for that i apologize. But ambiguous i remain. I just need to scream at someone, move to china where no one knows who i am or what my life has become and vent to some random person who wouldn't judge anything i had to say. And yes, i know you all love me and say you wouldn't judge...but deep somewhere in there...you would. i absolutely know you would cause its my life, and I'm judging it like an outsider sometimes.

Cakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was the class instructor at Enrichment tonight.
I taught everyone how to make gum paste roses and calla lilies.
I also just figured out how to make them myself, yesterday :)
It went great.
I S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D all day
I made 40 red velvet cupcake
White chocolate ganache
Milk chocolate ganache
Almond buttercream
And a two tiered white cake with gum paste flowers
I was baking from 8 am til 630 pm today
I love this
LOOOOOOOOVE this!!!
anyways.
i remembered to take pictures this time.
so Bri, eat your heart out.

My Passion

I have discovered that I have a passion again. In high school I had such enthusiasm for life and such conviction and passion. After getting married I felt like i lost a lot of that. And it scared me. I had lost so much of what ME was and i didn't necessarily know how to get it back. I didn't have time or the motivation to paint,and every time I did it was frustrating instead of therapeutic. I didn't sing anymore,didn't wear crazy make up,or unique clothes didn't play in the rain as much...I disappeared into the everyday tedious-ness of a wife. And I lived with that. I just assumed my passion was over and my life was wonderful despite not having a passion.

And then I got pregnant and i didn't feel like me at all.who was this person with insane emotions and baby weight? Getting out of bed was a challenge every morning. Working 30 hours a week until a week before kaleb was born was exhausting. I had no energy to do anything extra. When kaleb was born my life changed completely in the best way possible. But I still had no energy to do anything. Come to find out...I have ppd. And I needed a reason to live some days. I know that sounds terrible. But some mornings I had no motivation to get out of bed except the baby crying. I felt useless,boring,and talentless. The medicine for ppd helped with the energy. But I felt like Rachel was gone and replaced with this cleaning,laundry and milk machine. Here to serve one purpose and nothing else. It drove me crazy. I needed SOMETHING.

I started looking at recipes and cakes looked fun,and not as hard as I thought homemade cakes would be. I made red velvet and then angel food from scratch and it was fun. I loved it. I have tried lots of recipes for cake and frosting and fillings. All good so far. Come to find,I'm actually really good at this. Who knew? I took a decorating class, and I love that too.

Some of the cakes I have tried:
red velvet with cream cheese frosting and raspberry filling
Lemon cake with white chocolate ganache and raspberry filling and lemon buttercream frosting
Strawberry cake with almond butter cream
Red velvet with white chocolate ganache and raspberry filling and almond buttercream with fondant calla lilies

I design cakes,draw them all the time. One for kalebs birthday,one for a friend who is on bedrest with a difficult pregnancy,one for my sisters wedding. No guarantees I'll make all of them. But the idea is there. And I'm obsessed. It's therapeutic,calming,and amazingly fun. I love love love making cakes. I have a new passion for life in all aspects because of this. And i know this is gonna sound so dramatic but...baking cakes has saved my life. I realized that on my way to work yesterday. And I know it's weird,but thats me. W-E-I-R-D. And I'm a baker obsessed.

Breakfast With Kaleb

Kaleb has decided baby food is disgusting.
He refuses to eat it.
So we are now feeding him real food

Only one glitch with his idea...

He doesn't have any teeth yet.
Needless to say, this has made mealtime quite the adventure.
This was his breakfast this morning.

He starts with the cheerios in a bowl.
And then shakes the bowl cause he likes the sound it makes

Dumps the cheerios allllll over the floor

Crushes them with the bowl

then puts some of them back into the bowl.

then he eats them

cute eh?
I think so.
pay no mind to the messy room...
a double ear infection and the flu..plus a stubborn tooth that wont come in for kaleb
have sorta ruined any progress this week.

Holidays In Pictures

Since i never remember to when the holiday actually happens..here are few.


On December 13th
Ever since i can remember
we have celebrated St. Lucia
Its a Swedish Holiday

Basically we all dress up in white
And the boys wear these pointy white hats
we didnt realize we looked vaguely like the KKK
Until one year a neighbor knocked on our door...
and we answered the door..all in white robe thingys..
and pointy hats.
This is Kalebs first St. Lucia.

Whats this grandad?

I'm not so sure about this...

I hate it! get it off!!!
Then there was Christmas Eve.

he loves Auntie Jenny

The many faces of Kaleb

Sleepy baby...
Didnt even make it to look at lights.

ummmm.............

So life has this funny way of turning around and biting you in the butt.Depression kinda runs in my genes, I've seen it first hand in my family. During High School I suggested to a few people that pills may be needed to help their depression, and they took my advice, and said it really helped. I told them that taking pills didnt make them any less of a person. that it was good etc etc. It's a lot easier to tell people that than it is to accept it myself.

I'm now very medicated, and I have a realllllly hard time dealing with that. Each morning I take Sertraline,Vitamin D3, Vitamin B complex, Super Kelp, and a Prenatal. And when I forget, I really feel it. I have no energy, a really bad temper, no patience, and everything PJ does drives me crazy, I'm an evil version of me. And I hate that I NEED to take pills to be normal me. I didnt used to be this way, I was totally and completely fine without medicine. And suddenly I'm not me. I keep complaining to PJ that he likes me better when I take my pills, one day he said "no YOU like you better when you take them" . Which is true, without them I feel, I know that I'm (theres really no other word for it...) a bitch. And it really bothers me that I'm medicated. It doesnt go away when I take the pills either, its always somewhere rolling around my thoughts. I'm broken. And I realize that so many other people have Post Partum Depression , and many other mental "illnesses" that they deal with everyday. And it makes me feel so stupid because I really am so lucky that there are pills to help me with this. But ......I dont feel lucky.

I need them to take care of Kaleb, to function. No sleep, breastfeeding, and the stress of being a mommy are the perfect combination to cause Post Partum. Its so stupid. I dont want this. I just want to be the crazy,colorful, abnormal, happy person I am. Without pills.

Time to take the happy pills.gag.

The World...

Should simply stop when someone like her passes from this earth. It should stand still in sorrow, and confusion. But it didnt stop despite the feeling that everything was in slow motion. I'm still not 100% sure I believe she's gone. She was my Aunt, and I was one of her daughters in heart. I cant imagine what her children are going through, what her husband is going through. Everyone keeps saying "Heavenly Father needed her more elsewhere" and I cant help but scream in my head "No youre wrong! We need her here more. She has children.She is incredibly kind, loving,and very special. There is no where but here that she could be needed more." And nothing makes sense. I keep hearing her voice, seeing her face and just expecting her to walk through the door. It shouldn't be real. She shouldn't be gone. She was only 46. And she simply died without warning. I bet she was confused as much as we were, I doubt she knew.And there are so many things that she would find funny about this situation, but she isnt here to laugh about, so they lose the humor among the tears.I keep thinking, I never got her to teach me the lullaby she sang to Kaleb. He will not remember her. She will not be here for so many of her childrens life events. Its heartbreaking. I cant help but be a little bitter. Cant help but play the "what if..." game. Its like the gears in my brain are not catching, wont accept that she's gone. Click Click Click.Gone Gone Gone. Why Why Why. This world will never be the same missing Roberta Lyn Oliver Perkins. Never.

FISHES!!! LOTS AND LOTS OF FISHES!!!

SO! we wanted to go to the zoo, and it was Rachel's birthday last Sunday. Of course, we couldn't go ON her birthday, so we were planning the zoo for monday! Sunday night came and I was looking at the weather report for monday, and it was to be 92 degrees and "scattered clouds." I didn't figure that would be very enjoyable for us. And i knew Kaleb would hate it terribly. so, i decided to look up and see where the Aquarium is in SLC. It turns out that the zoo is another hour or so farther from us than the aquarium, and it was the same admission price. woo! We went to the Aquarium, and had lots of fun! it's devided up into three separate sections, Utah fish, Ocean fish, and South American fish/animals. we started in the Utah fish section becuase it seemed like it would be boring to end with, so we saw trout and salmon and little frogs and endangered minnow-looking silver fish. Kaleb liked watching the trout swim in circles and bump into stuff.

Then we went over to the Ocean area. We started at the jellys. Kaleb LOVED the jellys. he was smacking his hands on the glass and making happy faces at them. We moved on through the Ocean area and they had a shark (rachel's scared of them) and a cool looking octopus that moved from the top of the glass to the bottom of the glass, which was really fun to see. the Octopus also had one of those plastic hamster balls in his tank. i guess he likes to play with it? we also saw a lot of REALLY brightly colored fish in the gaint reef display tank they have. Kaleb watched the bright blue and bright yellow fish the most. they had a lot of "Dori fish" (there was a group of young kids there, and they kept saying "look a DORI FISH!") and clown fish and little shrips and stuff. It was fun.

We finished by going through the South American section. they had penguins. they were REALLY cute. they walk with their wings/fins - whatever you call them - held back all funny-like. and they'd float across the top of the water over to the edge of the land and randomly just JUMP out of the water and land on their feet on the rocks. it was quite amazing to see. then they'd waddle around a little before practically belly-flopping back into a graceful dive once they hit the water. the South American exibit had a lot of poison frogs and stuff like that too. I remember, as a kid, they were my favorite. I liked the black and yellow one the best. Rachel liked the BRIGHT blue one. she loves blue. Kaleb liked looking around, but i dont know if he had a favorite.

We wandered around the gift shop, but there wasn't much. We just went to the little 50 cent smash-a-penny thing and stamped the penny into the cool white-tipped reef shark stamp. that'll be our souvenir from the aquarium. It was a nice day-out, and we had fun. We still really want to go to the zoo, but we'll just have to save that for a cooler day.

:) -PJ

I HATE this.Absolutely HATE it.

I feel like lately all I do is complain on this blog. BUT.I think that whoever made up the let your baby "cry it out" needs to be shot. Its does not work. I've been doing it for a week now for naps, and its just making it worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First he cried for 15 minutes, and fell asleep for a while, second time he cried for 30 minutes and slept a shorter amount of time, third time he cried for 45 and slept for only 30 minutes, then cried for an hour and slept for about 20, then cried for and hour and a half and slept for like 15 minutes,It just got progressively worse up to this point.Then today he SCREAMED, thrashed, and choked for 2 HOURS and he DID NOT NAP. It's horrid, awful, terrible, worst thing I've ever experienced emotionally.By the end of the two hours I was crying as much, if not more than he was, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I HATE HATE HATE this. I now feel like the worst, most cold hearted parent in the universe.AND he now sleep WORSE than he EVER has. AH! I spend most of the night waking up and staring at the monitor pleading, begging that he wont wake up so he'll get enough sleep. And everything, and everyone is saying that it works, wellllll it doesnt for me and my baby. I guess I will keep trying, chances are I'll be absolutely crazy, in the psych ward by the end of this, but at least my baby will nap.HA. grrrrr. I'm in between hysterics and frustration, and being WAAAAAY stressed allll day long. I'm so screwed, I officially SUCK at this.

Just because your baby...

reacts a certain way to something, does not mean mine will react the same way. Having a baby means that everywhere you go, someone, everyone, wants to give me advice, and tell me what to do. It's nice when I ask for help, I've finally learned to do that. But if I dont need it, it's the most annoying thing in the world. Kaleb was crying and this lady says "oh, he sounds hungry, you should feed him, it will make him calm down." Umm NO. I just got down feeding him for the last hour,if I give him anymore he'll throw up. But i didn't say that. But the "advice" is given out no matter where I go. I hear, "you should change him.", "youre using the wrong kind of bottle nipple.", "He's hungry", "You should hold him" "My baby used to do...(insert action) and it worked to do..(insert the solution).". On and on and on...its fine when PJ or his sister give me advice, but when its someone who doesn't know me, and doesn't know my baby...Its completely different. And it makes me unescessarily angry, doesn't really help that I have raging hormones,and am running on very little sleep.

Blah blah blah....

There's this song. and I have no idea why I like it. It's called Blah Blah Blah by Kesha, its annoying...and I cant figure out why I like it. Tik Tok is fairly annoying as well. Istill love listening to it.Why why why??

New...Title Thingy...

Sooo, i decided I wanted to re-name my blog to something that makes a little more sense.Life Unexpected just made sense. Mostly because my life is just that, EXTREMELY unexpected.My senior year my friends were betting when I would get married, i had somewhere between 2 months and a year after going to college according to that. But I didnt think I'd be married for a long time. In fact if I wasn't married by 26 I gonna move to Italy and buy a villa. And then i went to BYU-I and on the first day of classes I met PJ. By my 19th birthday I was engaged. Married January 3rd 2009, and in July i found out i was pregnant. One unexpected thing after another. And now being a mom, every single day is new and unexpecting, So this is still the same blog, just a more fitting title.

Bakerella

There is this website bakerella.com and I am officially obsessed. If i had unlimited baking supplies and free time I would probably bake all day long(and weigh 400 lbs, but heyyy, oh well. haha). I've made the cake pops a couple times now, and honestly the first attempt wasnt horrible, but the next time was better. Cake pops are crumbled cake mixed with frosting,rolled into balls and dipped in chocolate.These were the first(below) we made them for easter,hence the lil chick faces and body.And they're delicious.

I find myself clicking all the links to things she used to make the different confections and adding them to my amazon account and putting as save for later. Because seriously, when you have a 2 month old baby, you cant afford time or money to waste on baking supplies. But there are the sprinkles,candy molds,baking cups, squeezie bottles,fondant, edible markers,cute gift boxes and the list goes on and on. I'm planning Birthday presents for my sister( cheescake balls) and my niece( a really cool fondant mini cake) and making chocolates/desserts for the holidays in the eminent future for the rest of forever. I want to try it all, and be really good at it, I'd say I'm passionate about baking now. Its a strange passion, one of which requires time I do not usually have. One day...maybe...my passions are set aside for the time being though and I dont usually bake when i want to, mostly because I dont have the supplies. Until I find the time to be selfish I indulge in Bakerella,plotting to one day make it all.

He's Finally Here!

It's been almost 2 weeks, i figured it was time to announce the new member of our little family up here now. Kaleb Jethro Nay was born on March 2 at 1:34 pm. He weighed 6 lbs 9 oz and was 19.5 inches long. He's absolutely perfect, and a very happy calm little boy. It's so fun to have him here with us. There really is nothing like waking up to your own baby, even though you dont sleep much, its still amazing. i wouldnt trade my life for anything.