Tuesday, November 9, 2010


So life has this funny way of turning around and biting you in the butt.Depression kinda runs in my genes, I've seen it first hand in my family. During High School I suggested to a few people that pills may be needed to help their depression, and they took my advice, and said it really helped. I told them that taking pills didnt make them any less of a person. that it was good etc etc. It's a lot easier to tell people that than it is to accept it myself.

I'm now very medicated, and I have a realllllly hard time dealing with that. Each morning I take Sertraline,Vitamin D3, Vitamin B complex, Super Kelp, and a Prenatal. And when I forget, I really feel it. I have no energy, a really bad temper, no patience, and everything PJ does drives me crazy, I'm an evil version of me. And I hate that I NEED to take pills to be normal me. I didnt used to be this way, I was totally and completely fine without medicine. And suddenly I'm not me. I keep complaining to PJ that he likes me better when I take my pills, one day he said "no YOU like you better when you take them" . Which is true, without them I feel, I know that I'm (theres really no other word for it...) a bitch. And it really bothers me that I'm medicated. It doesnt go away when I take the pills either, its always somewhere rolling around my thoughts. I'm broken. And I realize that so many other people have Post Partum Depression , and many other mental "illnesses" that they deal with everyday. And it makes me feel so stupid because I really am so lucky that there are pills to help me with this. But ......I dont feel lucky.

I need them to take care of Kaleb, to function. No sleep, breastfeeding, and the stress of being a mommy are the perfect combination to cause Post Partum. Its so stupid. I dont want this. I just want to be the crazy,colorful, abnormal, happy person I am. Without pills.

Time to take the happy pills.gag.