Tuesday, November 9, 2010


So life has this funny way of turning around and biting you in the butt.Depression kinda runs in my genes, I've seen it first hand in my family. During High School I suggested to a few people that pills may be needed to help their depression, and they took my advice, and said it really helped. I told them that taking pills didnt make them any less of a person. that it was good etc etc. It's a lot easier to tell people that than it is to accept it myself.

I'm now very medicated, and I have a realllllly hard time dealing with that. Each morning I take Sertraline,Vitamin D3, Vitamin B complex, Super Kelp, and a Prenatal. And when I forget, I really feel it. I have no energy, a really bad temper, no patience, and everything PJ does drives me crazy, I'm an evil version of me. And I hate that I NEED to take pills to be normal me. I didnt used to be this way, I was totally and completely fine without medicine. And suddenly I'm not me. I keep complaining to PJ that he likes me better when I take my pills, one day he said "no YOU like you better when you take them" . Which is true, without them I feel, I know that I'm (theres really no other word for it...) a bitch. And it really bothers me that I'm medicated. It doesnt go away when I take the pills either, its always somewhere rolling around my thoughts. I'm broken. And I realize that so many other people have Post Partum Depression , and many other mental "illnesses" that they deal with everyday. And it makes me feel so stupid because I really am so lucky that there are pills to help me with this. But ......I dont feel lucky.

I need them to take care of Kaleb, to function. No sleep, breastfeeding, and the stress of being a mommy are the perfect combination to cause Post Partum. Its so stupid. I dont want this. I just want to be the crazy,colorful, abnormal, happy person I am. Without pills.

Time to take the happy pills.gag.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The World...

Should simply stop when someone like her passes from this earth. It should stand still in sorrow, and confusion. But it didnt stop despite the feeling that everything was in slow motion. I'm still not 100% sure I believe she's gone. She was my Aunt, and I was one of her daughters in heart. I cant imagine what her children are going through, what her husband is going through. Everyone keeps saying "Heavenly Father needed her more elsewhere" and I cant help but scream in my head "No youre wrong! We need her here more. She has children.She is incredibly kind, loving,and very special. There is no where but here that she could be needed more." And nothing makes sense. I keep hearing her voice, seeing her face and just expecting her to walk through the door. It shouldn't be real. She shouldn't be gone. She was only 46. And she simply died without warning. I bet she was confused as much as we were, I doubt she knew.And there are so many things that she would find funny about this situation, but she isnt here to laugh about, so they lose the humor among the tears.I keep thinking, I never got her to teach me the lullaby she sang to Kaleb. He will not remember her. She will not be here for so many of her childrens life events. Its heartbreaking. I cant help but be a little bitter. Cant help but play the "what if..." game. Its like the gears in my brain are not catching, wont accept that she's gone. Click Click Click.Gone Gone Gone. Why Why Why. This world will never be the same missing Roberta Lyn Oliver Perkins. Never.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


SO! we wanted to go to the zoo, and it was Rachel's birthday last Sunday. Of course, we couldn't go ON her birthday, so we were planning the zoo for monday! Sunday night came and I was looking at the weather report for monday, and it was to be 92 degrees and "scattered clouds." I didn't figure that would be very enjoyable for us. And i knew Kaleb would hate it terribly. so, i decided to look up and see where the Aquarium is in SLC. It turns out that the zoo is another hour or so farther from us than the aquarium, and it was the same admission price. woo! We went to the Aquarium, and had lots of fun! it's devided up into three separate sections, Utah fish, Ocean fish, and South American fish/animals. we started in the Utah fish section becuase it seemed like it would be boring to end with, so we saw trout and salmon and little frogs and endangered minnow-looking silver fish. Kaleb liked watching the trout swim in circles and bump into stuff.

Then we went over to the Ocean area. We started at the jellys. Kaleb LOVED the jellys. he was smacking his hands on the glass and making happy faces at them. We moved on through the Ocean area and they had a shark (rachel's scared of them) and a cool looking octopus that moved from the top of the glass to the bottom of the glass, which was really fun to see. the Octopus also had one of those plastic hamster balls in his tank. i guess he likes to play with it? we also saw a lot of REALLY brightly colored fish in the gaint reef display tank they have. Kaleb watched the bright blue and bright yellow fish the most. they had a lot of "Dori fish" (there was a group of young kids there, and they kept saying "look a DORI FISH!") and clown fish and little shrips and stuff. It was fun.

We finished by going through the South American section. they had penguins. they were REALLY cute. they walk with their wings/fins - whatever you call them - held back all funny-like. and they'd float across the top of the water over to the edge of the land and randomly just JUMP out of the water and land on their feet on the rocks. it was quite amazing to see. then they'd waddle around a little before practically belly-flopping back into a graceful dive once they hit the water. the South American exibit had a lot of poison frogs and stuff like that too. I remember, as a kid, they were my favorite. I liked the black and yellow one the best. Rachel liked the BRIGHT blue one. she loves blue. Kaleb liked looking around, but i dont know if he had a favorite.

We wandered around the gift shop, but there wasn't much. We just went to the little 50 cent smash-a-penny thing and stamped the penny into the cool white-tipped reef shark stamp. that'll be our souvenir from the aquarium. It was a nice day-out, and we had fun. We still really want to go to the zoo, but we'll just have to save that for a cooler day.

:) -PJ

Monday, August 2, 2010

I HATE this.Absolutely HATE it.

I feel like lately all I do is complain on this blog. BUT.I think that whoever made up the let your baby "cry it out" needs to be shot. Its does not work. I've been doing it for a week now for naps, and its just making it worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First he cried for 15 minutes, and fell asleep for a while, second time he cried for 30 minutes and slept a shorter amount of time, third time he cried for 45 and slept for only 30 minutes, then cried for an hour and slept for about 20, then cried for and hour and a half and slept for like 15 minutes,It just got progressively worse up to this point.Then today he SCREAMED, thrashed, and choked for 2 HOURS and he DID NOT NAP. It's horrid, awful, terrible, worst thing I've ever experienced emotionally.By the end of the two hours I was crying as much, if not more than he was, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I HATE HATE HATE this. I now feel like the worst, most cold hearted parent in the universe.AND he now sleep WORSE than he EVER has. AH! I spend most of the night waking up and staring at the monitor pleading, begging that he wont wake up so he'll get enough sleep. And everything, and everyone is saying that it works, wellllll it doesnt for me and my baby. I guess I will keep trying, chances are I'll be absolutely crazy, in the psych ward by the end of this, but at least my baby will nap.HA. grrrrr. I'm in between hysterics and frustration, and being WAAAAAY stressed allll day long. I'm so screwed, I officially SUCK at this.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Just because your baby...

reacts a certain way to something, does not mean mine will react the same way. Having a baby means that everywhere you go, someone, everyone, wants to give me advice, and tell me what to do. It's nice when I ask for help, I've finally learned to do that. But if I dont need it, it's the most annoying thing in the world. Kaleb was crying and this lady says "oh, he sounds hungry, you should feed him, it will make him calm down." Umm NO. I just got down feeding him for the last hour,if I give him anymore he'll throw up. But i didn't say that. But the "advice" is given out no matter where I go. I hear, "you should change him.", "youre using the wrong kind of bottle nipple.", "He's hungry", "You should hold him" "My baby used to do...(insert action) and it worked to do..(insert the solution).". On and on and on...its fine when PJ or his sister give me advice, but when its someone who doesn't know me, and doesn't know my baby...Its completely different. And it makes me unescessarily angry, doesn't really help that I have raging hormones,and am running on very little sleep.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Blah blah blah....

There's this song. and I have no idea why I like it. It's called Blah Blah Blah by Kesha, its annoying...and I cant figure out why I like it. Tik Tok is fairly annoying as well. Istill love listening to it.Why why why??

Monday, May 3, 2010

New...Title Thingy...

Sooo, i decided I wanted to re-name my blog to something that makes a little more sense.Life Unexpected just made sense. Mostly because my life is just that, EXTREMELY unexpected.My senior year my friends were betting when I would get married, i had somewhere between 2 months and a year after going to college according to that. But I didnt think I'd be married for a long time. In fact if I wasn't married by 26 I gonna move to Italy and buy a villa. And then i went to BYU-I and on the first day of classes I met PJ. By my 19th birthday I was engaged. Married January 3rd 2009, and in July i found out i was pregnant. One unexpected thing after another. And now being a mom, every single day is new and unexpecting, So this is still the same blog, just a more fitting title.

Friday, April 30, 2010


There is this website bakerella.com and I am officially obsessed. If i had unlimited baking supplies and free time I would probably bake all day long(and weigh 400 lbs, but heyyy, oh well. haha). I've made the cake pops a couple times now, and honestly the first attempt wasnt horrible, but the next time was better. Cake pops are crumbled cake mixed with frosting,rolled into balls and dipped in chocolate.These were the first(below) we made them for easter,hence the lil chick faces and body.And they're delicious.

I find myself clicking all the links to things she used to make the different confections and adding them to my amazon account and putting as save for later. Because seriously, when you have a 2 month old baby, you cant afford time or money to waste on baking supplies. But there are the sprinkles,candy molds,baking cups, squeezie bottles,fondant, edible markers,cute gift boxes and the list goes on and on. I'm planning Birthday presents for my sister( cheescake balls) and my niece( a really cool fondant mini cake) and making chocolates/desserts for the holidays in the eminent future for the rest of forever. I want to try it all, and be really good at it, I'd say I'm passionate about baking now. Its a strange passion, one of which requires time I do not usually have. One day...maybe...my passions are set aside for the time being though and I dont usually bake when i want to, mostly because I dont have the supplies. Until I find the time to be selfish I indulge in Bakerella,plotting to one day make it all.

Monday, March 15, 2010

He's Finally Here!

It's been almost 2 weeks, i figured it was time to announce the new member of our little family up here now. Kaleb Jethro Nay was born on March 2 at 1:34 pm. He weighed 6 lbs 9 oz and was 19.5 inches long. He's absolutely perfect, and a very happy calm little boy. It's so fun to have him here with us. There really is nothing like waking up to your own baby, even though you dont sleep much, its still amazing. i wouldnt trade my life for anything.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

10 Days!

As the end draws closer, I'm anxious, exicted, and really just want this baby out! And 10 days is a nice even number, soo, blog time. I realize that once I have our little baby, life will by no means be easier, but I am really looking forward to having my body back. This is why:
-No more peeing every hour like clock work at night.
-No more not being able to shave my legs right, its reallly difficult to shave when you cant see what youre doing.
-I can bend over again!
-No more worrying about if anything I'm doing will hurt the baby
-No more getting sick from eating too much, or too fast.
-No more bowling ball belly
-I get to wear my wedding rings again!
-I can sleep on my stomach
I could go on, but you get the point. I'm excited, I wish things would go faster. I wonder if I'll even be able to tell when I'm going into labor. And i just hope its sooner rather than later, if he decided to get here this week, I would be completely ok with that. And so would PJ, he's dying to meet this little guy.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Cant Sleep

So. It's 5:02 am here.and I am WIDE awake,like i could get up and start my day already. I never,EVER wake up this early.EVER. So why am I up? Well it could have something to do with the fact that I have had to pee every 45 minutes, like clock work. Or maybe its the cat purring in my EAR! Or it could be the little baby inside who, for some crazy reason decided to wake up and wiggle and kick allll over me. No matter the reason, I am very awake. And, this is the best part, you'll never guess where I'm blogging from. The Bathtub. And is it filled with water? Nope. It's lined with towels, and I'm laying down in it. I know what you're thinking, this is some crazy pregnant thing right?? Well, you'd be very wrong. I've done this for as long as I can remember, just not since I've been married. It would be hilarious if PJ woke up about now to find me blogging in the tub.Everytime I was scared when I was younger, I'd line the tub with towels and sleep in the tub, or next to it. Until I moved downstairs and there was a shower, then I would just sit by the shower door until i didnt feel weird anymore. I dont know why, but the funniest part is my Mom AND my older Sister do/did the same thing! We are just crazy I guess. So this is my failed attempt to sleep, going back to where i could always fall asleep. Old habits die hard I suppose. Not to mention the oh so convienient access to the toilet, which I am apparently stuck to tonight. Can this pregnancy thing please be over now?