My Sunshine

Everyone needs something or someone to bring some sunshine into their lives. Without it we would simply lose hope. My sunshine is a little 2'8" bundle of joy and wonder. My kaleb. He is hands down the most amazing person on this planet. He sees the world with the most interesting perspective, and it helps change my perspective. When it rains,he hold his hands out to catch it and giggles as it hits his hands and face(and toes if we decide to run around without shoes...) for him,its like a miracle when it rains. The snow is the same. Last year he was too little to enjoy it,but it snowed here reccently and he ran outside eld his arms out and spun around saying "wwwwooowww". I was so mad when it snowed,until he did that. To him,everything about nature and the world we live in is spectacular. His bedtime song is you are my sunshine,because he is just that for me. On my bad days(and lets face it,i have many) he snuggles with me and hugs my legs. And when i ask him if he wants another baby he says"yeahh" and then ill ask if he thinks he will be a good big brother and he says "uh..no.." and i explain that he will be because hes kind,and gentle,and smart,and a wonderful helper,and good at playing and sharing and i mean it all,and,the best part,he believes me. He isnt perfect, i have been drawn to tears when he wont eat for three days, and he scares me to death trying to jump off the back of the couch. He frustrates me when all he does is whine...but overall when i just dont want to face the world,he is my sunshine. Always willing to let me scoop him up and paint,or make a mess helping me cook. His giggle is like the sun itself,it always makes me happy without fail. When he was born,i knew he was special,but every parent thinks that. I just didnt know HOW important,amazing,and essential to my life he would be. He is my sunshine and he is my angel. I love him so much. Soooooo very truly much. Love you my bugaboo,baby k,squeakers,sweetie,goober,angel bud,snuggle bug,my darling kaleb.

Controversial Mints

There are mints called "Kiss with confidence" at my place of employment. They have various artistic works of kisses and passion on them,appropriate for the name no? Well the people of Utah county seem to find a particular one very Lewd,inappropriate,semi pornographic, and giggle like embarrassed children getting caught when they see it. I am going to show you the mint box now...ready? If you giggle like an idiot then don't finish reading this. Ok, really ready?

GASP! you still with me there? Ok so, I personally roll my eyes when the customers tell me it is lewd. Its a STATUE. yes.the people are naked and of opposite sex. i did a little research. the statue is called "The Kiss" by Auguste Rodin created in 1889. Rodin indicated that "sculpting women was of homage to them and their bodies, not just submitting to men but as full partners in ardor." (by the way ardor is just a fancy way of saying passion). Personally, i think that is very cool. Compared to all the other junk out there that paints women as objects and toys and dirty sex kittens....this is different. Yes, its passion, and probably a bit over the edge. BUT. it is ART not PORN. there is a very fine line, and sometimes that line is defined differently by different people. it can be hard to define i admit. But i don't think a marble statue is porn. And maybe it shouldn't be on a mint tin. and maybe people just need to grow up and realize that while most of the Utah county population is Mormon and that comes with certain beliefs...that does not mean that anything with nakedness is awful and abominable. That's just my opinion though.  Maybe I'm Lewd? i want to know what you think. and yes i  may judge you a little if this grosses you out :) but really, honestly i would like to know what  you all think!

5 years from now

Remember in elementary when they'd ask you to make a list or goal of things you like to be or have in 5 years or more? Well...I want to make one now that I'm an "adult" and have more realistic..not to mention expensive goals.
1. Have another baby..which is contingent upon numero 2 a bit. And I would like a girl. I already have a name picked out and everything.and yes. I am verrrry baby hungry...our budget is not.

2. Have a house! I keep saying I don't want another baby until we more than two rooms.And right now two rooms is all we have.this one seem pretty much impossible at this point. But I would loooove a house.

3. Get a 2nd car!! one with Four doors and a large trunk. love the yaris. its just really difficult to fit in with a baby...a second child would not work in that car. Im thinking i want an old 4-runner or nissan xterra. but chances are it will be a smaller four door car. which is ok too. 

4. Have a job that allows me to stay home. i hate working at night and leaving my family and missing bath time and family dinner....etc etc. 

5. Have a substantial college savings started for kaleb...theres a little bit...but not nearly enough.i know i have  lot of years, but it will just be easier to start now.
 

Chicken salad sandwich

I have decided that whoever came up with this sandwich was drunk.i mean..no one sits down and goes" hmmmm I think I'll make some chicken,and then slather it in mayo,and add...grapes! And and....celery!! Sounds like it would be delicious!" um no. That just sounds like the WEIRDEST combination of things ever..if you like it that's awesome, I believe you have a drunk someone to thank for this ridiculous combination. Blehhh.have not found one yet that I like. I'll eat it,but...not a fan.

New place!

We moved into an apartment,a basement apartment that is. A couple houses down from my parents,literally...it's two houses down.haha. But it's our own space. And I was feeling so excited to move in here. And now that we are here I find myself experiencing what I believe to be called buyers remorse. Overwhelmed with unpacking and small spaces,although it's bigger than our first apt...after living in a house with three floors,this is tiiiiiny. Anyone ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun? Good/odd movie. In it she says "buyers remorse is a very common affliction among new homeowners,Just because you have the sudden urge to weep,doesn't mean you've made a mistake." But that's about how I feel. I look around this new place that kaleb can't figure out why we are here instead of the only home he knows and all the boxes and mess and want to cry. I know eventually we'll get it clean,but it's just so disheartening at the moment. I'm sooo excited to have our own space once again,it will be awesome.It's the unpacking and money I'm stressed about.

I always take on things...

Before I think about it. For example: last night someone asked if I could take their shift tonight,and I said yes because I always say no to this girl and I was feeling bad. And then this morning I realized that I totally screwed myself over. Tonight is my little sisters bridal shower,and my husband has a meeting,so.no babysitter and I'm going to miss the bridal shower! I'm so beyond frustrated right now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I want a new job. Another car, and a mind that can remember things so I don't commit to things before I think about what's really going on. I ready to scream. I keep adding stresses to my life that I just don't,cant handle right now. And....then it makes the things I actually want to do stressful as well because I add all this crap I don't want or need. Stupid.stupid.stupid.

Anonymous

Sometimes i wish my blog was anonymous. And none of you knew who i was...I'd share so much more that way. My blog is very censored i think. So much more i would say if i was anonymous. So much i want to say because i need feedback, opinions. But since you know i am Rachel-Mother, wife...etc...I cant. I wont. I reuse to drag those I love into this downward spiral that i don't know what to do with. And no. I wont give more details on here. Probably not ever. Just know that....i don't know. I'll survive. I'll figure it out. Ambiguity drives me crazy, for that i apologize. But ambiguous i remain. I just need to scream at someone, move to china where no one knows who i am or what my life has become and vent to some random person who wouldn't judge anything i had to say. And yes, i know you all love me and say you wouldn't judge...but deep somewhere in there...you would. i absolutely know you would cause its my life, and I'm judging it like an outsider sometimes.

Cakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was the class instructor at Enrichment tonight.
I taught everyone how to make gum paste roses and calla lilies.
I also just figured out how to make them myself, yesterday :)
It went great.
I S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D all day
I made 40 red velvet cupcake
White chocolate ganache
Milk chocolate ganache
Almond buttercream
And a two tiered white cake with gum paste flowers
I was baking from 8 am til 630 pm today
I love this
LOOOOOOOOVE this!!!
anyways.
i remembered to take pictures this time.
so Bri, eat your heart out.

My Passion

I have discovered that I have a passion again. In high school I had such enthusiasm for life and such conviction and passion. After getting married I felt like i lost a lot of that. And it scared me. I had lost so much of what ME was and i didn't necessarily know how to get it back. I didn't have time or the motivation to paint,and every time I did it was frustrating instead of therapeutic. I didn't sing anymore,didn't wear crazy make up,or unique clothes didn't play in the rain as much...I disappeared into the everyday tedious-ness of a wife. And I lived with that. I just assumed my passion was over and my life was wonderful despite not having a passion.

And then I got pregnant and i didn't feel like me at all.who was this person with insane emotions and baby weight? Getting out of bed was a challenge every morning. Working 30 hours a week until a week before kaleb was born was exhausting. I had no energy to do anything extra. When kaleb was born my life changed completely in the best way possible. But I still had no energy to do anything. Come to find out...I have ppd. And I needed a reason to live some days. I know that sounds terrible. But some mornings I had no motivation to get out of bed except the baby crying. I felt useless,boring,and talentless. The medicine for ppd helped with the energy. But I felt like Rachel was gone and replaced with this cleaning,laundry and milk machine. Here to serve one purpose and nothing else. It drove me crazy. I needed SOMETHING.

I started looking at recipes and cakes looked fun,and not as hard as I thought homemade cakes would be. I made red velvet and then angel food from scratch and it was fun. I loved it. I have tried lots of recipes for cake and frosting and fillings. All good so far. Come to find,I'm actually really good at this. Who knew? I took a decorating class, and I love that too.

Some of the cakes I have tried:
red velvet with cream cheese frosting and raspberry filling
Lemon cake with white chocolate ganache and raspberry filling and lemon buttercream frosting
Strawberry cake with almond butter cream
Red velvet with white chocolate ganache and raspberry filling and almond buttercream with fondant calla lilies

I design cakes,draw them all the time. One for kalebs birthday,one for a friend who is on bedrest with a difficult pregnancy,one for my sisters wedding. No guarantees I'll make all of them. But the idea is there. And I'm obsessed. It's therapeutic,calming,and amazingly fun. I love love love making cakes. I have a new passion for life in all aspects because of this. And i know this is gonna sound so dramatic but...baking cakes has saved my life. I realized that on my way to work yesterday. And I know it's weird,but thats me. W-E-I-R-D. And I'm a baker obsessed.

Breakfast With Kaleb

Kaleb has decided baby food is disgusting.
He refuses to eat it.
So we are now feeding him real food

Only one glitch with his idea...

He doesn't have any teeth yet.
Needless to say, this has made mealtime quite the adventure.
This was his breakfast this morning.

He starts with the cheerios in a bowl.
And then shakes the bowl cause he likes the sound it makes

Dumps the cheerios allllll over the floor

Crushes them with the bowl

then puts some of them back into the bowl.

then he eats them

cute eh?
I think so.
pay no mind to the messy room...
a double ear infection and the flu..plus a stubborn tooth that wont come in for kaleb
have sorta ruined any progress this week.

Holidays In Pictures

Since i never remember to when the holiday actually happens..here are few.


On December 13th
Ever since i can remember
we have celebrated St. Lucia
Its a Swedish Holiday

Basically we all dress up in white
And the boys wear these pointy white hats
we didnt realize we looked vaguely like the KKK
Until one year a neighbor knocked on our door...
and we answered the door..all in white robe thingys..
and pointy hats.
This is Kalebs first St. Lucia.

Whats this grandad?

I'm not so sure about this...

I hate it! get it off!!!
Then there was Christmas Eve.

he loves Auntie Jenny

The many faces of Kaleb

Sleepy baby...
Didnt even make it to look at lights.