So life has this funny way of turning around and biting you in the butt.Depression kinda runs in my genes, I've seen it first hand in my family. During High School I suggested to a few people that pills may be needed to help their depression, and they took my advice, and said it really helped. I told them that taking pills didnt make them any less of a person. that it was good etc etc. It's a lot easier to tell people that than it is to accept it myself.
I'm now very medicated, and I have a realllllly hard time dealing with that. Each morning I take Sertraline,Vitamin D3, Vitamin B complex, Super Kelp, and a Prenatal. And when I forget, I really feel it. I have no energy, a really bad temper, no patience, and everything PJ does drives me crazy, I'm an evil version of me. And I hate that I NEED to take pills to be normal me. I didnt used to be this way, I was totally and completely fine without medicine. And suddenly I'm not me. I keep complaining to PJ that he likes me better when I take my pills, one day he said "no YOU like you better when you take them" . Which is true, without them I feel, I know that I'm (theres really no other word for it...) a bitch. And it really bothers me that I'm medicated. It doesnt go away when I take the pills either, its always somewhere rolling around my thoughts. I'm broken. And I realize that so many other people have Post Partum Depression , and many other mental "illnesses" that they deal with everyday. And it makes me feel so stupid because I really am so lucky that there are pills to help me with this. But ......I dont feel lucky.
I need them to take care of Kaleb, to function. No sleep, breastfeeding, and the stress of being a mommy are the perfect combination to cause Post Partum. Its so stupid. I dont want this. I just want to be the crazy,colorful, abnormal, happy person I am. Without pills.
Time to take the happy pills.gag.
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Have you read this blog? http://theheirtoblair.com/
ReplyDeleteShe's pretty awesome. She's really hilariously honest about life, motherhood, wifehood, etc. Read some of her archives. She had really severe PPD, had to be hospitalized for it.
I'm sorry to hear you are suffering from postpartum depression. Please know that you are not alone. Come hang out with moms who are going through it, and moms who have been through it, at Postpartum Progress. You're not stupid, and getting help for PPD is not stupid.
ReplyDeletePost partum... what can I say about it? It is seriously a sick joke that a mom goes through nine months of hell to carry a child, ruin her body, and FINALLY gets to see her baby... AND you want nothing to do with it or you're a crazy person. Girl, if there is someone who could relate to you on this, it is me. I am seriously dreading Jack's arrival just because i am so nervous about post partum again. Pills for me have just become routine.. I take 1500 mg of depakote, 100 mg of lamictal, and a prenatal everynight. I really don't mind it though anymore. I guess that I just figure that every person has their trials... I'm just grateful mine has some relief through modern medicine... Hormone imbalances are just as normal as people with diabetes, They need insulin. People who can't walk.. need wheelchairs. Really don't feel bad about taking pills... They are good things. I would be flung off a clff if I didn't have mine.:) lol
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